


My Insecurities Could Eat Me Alive

by jarvis_ismy_copilot



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fat Shaming, Female Reader, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Insecurities, M/M, POV Second Person, Tony comes to the rescue, and so does Thor wink wink nudge, dorks being dorks, kind of?, self fat shaming, that's more accurate, very light I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 02:45:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13695261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jarvis_ismy_copilot/pseuds/jarvis_ismy_copilot
Summary: *insert creative and interesting summary to draw in readers' attention*You have a crush on Thor. You are fat. You are insecure. Stuff ensues. Tony pulls your head out of your ass (well, he should know, he did the same to himself when he asked Steve out after all). The Avengers are dorks and idiots. JARVIS is smarter than he should.





	My Insecurities Could Eat Me Alive

Y/n=Your name, obviously

Y/l/n=Your last name

Y/n/n=Your nickname (I couldn't come up with one so it's up to you to decide. Can you see my literary skills yet?)

* * *

 

The sky was a clear blue and the sun a vibrant yellow, contrasting powerfully against the sky. A gentle, warm breeze caressed the trees, making them sway softly back and forth. The green colour of the grass was welcoming, almost feeling like home. Violet, blue, yellow and red flowers were dotting the landscape, breaking the green pattern while joyous birds were running free above or chirping happily perched on trees.

Summer was upon you and while nature seemed to blossom under it's motherly caresses, you just shrank back into yourself, scowling at the too bright sun and the too warm wind, tugging the sleeves of your shirt lower over your arms with a huff, although the heat was starting to make itself known.

Feeling put out, you turned your back on the perfect picture of summer and headed for the kitchen to grab a fruit.

"JARVIS, what's the weather going to be like today?" you asked the AI as you walked into the -thankfully- cool kitchen. You grabbed an apple at random from the fruit basket (which was always suspiciously full, you'd have to ask Tony about that one) while you waited for JARVIS' prompt reply.

"The high is forecasted to be 20°C with a low of 12°C. We are looking at a sunny and warm day of June with little chances of rain." He answered in his characteristic British voice.

You groaned and threw the rest of the apple angrily in the trash. "Thank you, JARVIS."

"You're welcome, Miss Y/l/n."

Just as JARVIS finished speaking, Clint entered the kitchen, followed close behind by Natasha and Steve. By the sweaty state they were in and the way Clint rushed to the fridge to grab food you guessed they had just finished their daily sparring sessions (which you would've attended had you a)been an Avenger and b)could've kept up with either of them. But as it stood, the first and only time you had tried to spar with Natasha had ended up with you flat on your back on the mat in 0.2 seconds, which left you with aching muscles for a week).

"Hey, guys. Good session?" you asked, trying to dispel the awkwardness you felt inside of you. You couldn't explain why exactly you felt awkward, but you really didn't want to keep feeling it.

Natasha smiled and nodded while she took out a chair to sit down at the table, tugging the bowl of potato salad from Clint forcefully, stopping him from wolfing down fork after fork. Clint mumbled something unintelligible around the mouthfull of food then redirected his attention to his stolen bowl, trying and failing to get it back from Nat. Eventually, when he realised it was a futile attempt, he dejectedly settled for the left over pizza from a few nights ago, munching unhappily on it.

"It was," Steve replied before sitting down at the table himself and eating the pancakes you had made for breakfast that day (you might have miscalculated the quantity of ingredients and instead of having a platefull of them, had ended up with 20 or so more than originally planned. But hey, supersoldier metabolism came to the rescue). "You should come, too. I don't think either of us would mind," Steve suggested, which was followed by a series of nods and mumbled agreements from the two spies.

Steve might have meant no harm by his suggestion, but your brain picked up a different meaning in his words. Your smile faltered for a second before plastering itself to your face more fake than previously, and you tried to speak over the lump which had already formed in your throat. "Thanks for the offer, Cap, but I'll have to refuse. I'm useless in combat and I wouldn't be able to see much from the sidelines anyway since you all move like freaking ninjas."

The weak chuckle that escaped you seemed fake to your own ears and the sarcasm felt forced, but that was the only way you could ignore how Steve's -poorly chosen- words had affected you. Huh, you had picked up a few things from Tony after all.

Clint snorted with his mouth still filled with food ( _'which yew, Birdie. Gross. Didn't they teach you table manners at S.H.I.E.L.D.?'_ ). "Spies, Y/n. Spies. Not ninjas. Have some respect."

Natasha just rolled her eyes at him and went back to eating. You huffed. "Whatever, Birdie." Clint didn't bother to complain at the nickname, too busy trying to stealthily steal some more salad from Natasha. She just slapped his hand and pointed her fork at his face in threat. Clint held his hands up in surrender, took a few more bites from the pizza then threw the rest in the trash can with a sad sigh.

As he went around the table to exit the kitchen and go do Clint-ly stuff he threw a forlorn look at the nearly finished potato salad. You snorted at the sight and Natasha gave you a smug smile. Something told you she hadn't really wanted to eat the salad that badly, but she just enjoyed teasing Clint. Anything to make his life harder, it seemed.

"I'm going to bother Tony. Laterz," you told the remaining two and waved as you turned towards his lab and they said goodbye.

You called the elevator and tapped your foot against the floor while waiting. As the doors opened, you hummed a soft tune under your breath and swayed your head to the rhythm. When the elevator started its descent, you asked your favourite AI, "Hey, Jarv. Is Tony busy?" The question was more a curiosity than anything because everyone knew you didn't really care if he was busy or not (and frankly, neither did he). You could just settle for sitting on the couch in the corner of his lab -workshop, whatever- and watch him work as you jammed to his rock music.

"Sir is currently designing a blueprint for improvements to the Iron Man suit, Miss Y/l/n." Oh well, too bad. You didn't have any plans to reschedule your daily _T_ _ony bothering_ session.

The elevator came to a stop with an obnoxious _ding_ and you stepped out. You punched in the code to Tony's workshop lock and strolled inside to the chorus of 'Back in Black'. You waved at Tony when he looked up to see who had entered (unsurprised, as usual) and plopped down on the couch.

"What's up, Tones? Watcha working on?" you asked, genuinely interested. You loved hearing about his work, all the tech and inventions he created, how they worked and what needed improvement. You couldn't understand half of the gibberish he said, but the palpable passion in his voice and the way his eyes lit up in excitement about sharing his ideas with someone else were more than worthwhile.

"Hey, Y/n. Trying to see how I can improve the suit. It got pretty damaged on the latest mission -too much for my taste. So I wanna see what I can do better." You hummed in understanding at this and urged Tony on with your eyes. "Wanna take a look and give me your input? I have a couple ideas but another set of eyes wouldn't hurt."

You stood up from your spot on the couch and headed towards Tony's desk. "Sure. I don't guarantee I'll have any worthy input but I can give it a try." You shrugged your shoulders and looked at the blueprints, the old and the new ones Tony had just designed.

"Nonsense, you always come up with genius ideas," Tony waved you off and pushed the blueprints closer towards you. You snorted at this but kept looking. "Half the time I don't even realize what I'm saying is of any value and the other half I'm 50% sure it's complete garbage but you end up agreeing with me for whatever reason."

Tony looked at you with a hard stare, "That's cause your ideas are great. You have lots of them in that pretty brain of yours, don't pretend you don't. You're smart and you know it."

You tried to hide your blush from Tony, and coughed in embarrassment. He knew you couldn't take compliments but he still did it! "Thanks.. but I'm no genius like you, Tony."

"That's irrelevant," Tony waved dismissively. "No one's on my level of genious-ness. But you come close," he winked at you, making you blush even more fiercely. You directed your attention to the blueprints in front of you, studying them carefully and trying to ignore the heat in your cheeks. "So uhm, I think here you could..." You exchanged ideas with Tony for the next half hour and then continued to help him around, handing him tools or doing small tasks for him for another two hours or so when both of your stomachs grumbled and you dragged Tony out of the workshop to eat with you.

"Wanna hit a burger joint?" Tony suggested once you were out of the lab and waiting for the elevator. However tempting the idea might have been, you didn't really want that.

"It'll take too long," you whined. "Kitchen closer, eating quicker."

"Have you lost the ability to grammar because of hunger, too?" Tony huffed a laugh. You punched him lightly in the shoulder right before stepping inside the elevator and hitting the botton for the 50th floor. "Shut up, Shellhead. You're worse than me."

"Fair point," Tony conceded.

The elevator came to a stop. You stepped out, followed closely behind by Tony. The rest of the Avengers were there too, apparently you got hungry in sync as well, huh. Bruce was at the stove making what appeared to be pasta and -was that lasagna you could smell in the oven too? Natasha answered your unasked question before you could confirm. "These two," she pointed at Clint and Bruce, "couldn't settle for pasta or lasagna. So to end their stupid debate we decided to have both." She sent a light glare in Clint's direction and he stuck his tongue out at her in defiance before bolting for cover behind Steve.

Nat rolled her eyes and Steve looked amused, if slightly uncomfortable with being used as a human shield. That's when he spotted you and Tony, his eyes lighting up and he excused himself politely (which was followed by protests and whining from Clint) before taking Tony's hands and kissing him softly on the lips.

"Glad you could join us," Steve mumbled against Tony's lips. He pulled out and smiled brightly at his fiancé then took Tony's hand and pulled him towards the table. You snorted, "Thanks to me! He would've stayed there until either he finished or someone dragged him to the kitchen. You're welcome, by the way," you told Tony smugly.

Tony waved his hand. "Yeah, yeah. You know that if it weren't for my body's natural instinct I would get distracted from breathing."

Everyone laughed at this and Steve agreed. "You would. Good thing you have us then," he said and kissed Tony again on the lips.

Clint groaned and buried his face in his hands. "Would you _please_ stop kissing at the table and scarring me for life?" Nat kicked Clint in the shins, **hard** and hissed, "Let them. They're happy. They can kiss all they want." Which, fair point. Everyone had been waiting with bated breath for a long time for Steve and Tony to pull their heads out of their asses and get together. They were so love struck it was physically hurting you every time you were in the same room as them.

"Hey, leave my favourite power couple alone, Birdie" you threw back. "I live through their romance, okay? Don't take this one from me." You put your hand over your heart, feigning physical pain and gasping dramatically. It was silly, but then again the entire team was just a bunch of silly regular people (with superpowers, awesome super suits or mad skills in fights, true) who put on spandex and armor, tricking people into thinking they were _Earth's Mightiest Heroes._ You snorted internally. Anyone who believed that could come and live with them for a week and see for themselves just how 'mighty' these lovable idiots were.

"Love you too, sis" Tony told you with a wink as he settled on just holding Steve's hand for now and making heart eyes at each other.

It had been confusing for the team at first, the way Tony called you 'sis' although there were no records of a second Stark child. Eventually, though, you and Tony cleared that up for them, explaining how you weren't related, but had been close friends since college. Your relationship had gotten so strong that you began referring to each other as brother and sister, since that's how you saw one another anyway.

There had been headlines in tabloids over the years, speculating on your relationship with the one and only Tony Stark, especially when you first started hanging out. It had never been romantic between you, and frankly you had never even entertained the idea. You and Tony were too much alike in many aspects of the heart to fit in well in that way. And eventually, when Tony and Steve made their relationship public, it had all died down and faded away, the media's attention being drawn to the new, actual couple.

Just as you were beginning to lose your patience, Bruce announced the food was ready and you quickly helped him and Nat set the table. Just as everyone had settled down you noticed an empty seat. "Hey, guys," you said, "where's Thor?"

Tony shot you a meaningful look around the pasta he was currently sutffing his face with, which you pointedly chose to ignore, and after swallowing said, "Training. Think he forgot to come down to eat. Why don't you go get him?" His tone was too implying and you feared the others would catch on, but they remained blissfully unaware.

"Tell him to come down quickly or he won't find anything left. Or you, for that matter," Clint said before diving in as well. You shot him a glare. "I'd better find something left when I get back, Birdie, or I'm having **you** for lunch, feathers and all."

You turned on your heel and headed for the elevator again. The trip a few floors up wasn't long and before you knew it you were standing outside the gym glass doors, watching Thor play around with his hammer, knocking out dummies left and right. You took a deep breath and forced yourself to be cool then pushed the door open.

Your entrance didn't disturb Thor, in fact he seemed not to have heard you at all. So you cleared your throat. "Thor! Hey," you said with a smile when he stopped spinning his hammer and turned to you beaming. "Lunch is ready. Wanna join us?"

Thor's smile grew even bigger, if that were possible. "That sounds excellent, Lady Y/n! Let me shower and I'll be down shortly." You nodded your head and turned to walk out. Thor followed after you, to hit the showers probably, which were in the same direction you were headed.

A stretch of not exactly awkward silence passed between you. You felt like you had to fill it so you spoke up. Before you could, though, Thor did it instead.

"So, Lady Y/n," Thor started but you interjected. "It's just Y/n, Thor. I've told you before, I am no lady here on Earth." Thor continued, "Y/n then. I was wondering, do you not have a -boyfriend they call it?- in your life?"

A blush crept up on your cheeks and you squeaked out, "No! Why would you ask that?"

"Well, a lady," he shot you a look at this, "as beautiful as you, I would've thought you'd be linked to someone already."

Your blush intensified. "No," you coughed awkwardly, "nothing like that. I'm single, free as a bird haha," you forced a laugh. Your heart was beating wildly in your chest and an invisible force was squeezing it painfully, making your chest ache. Why did Thor have to go and bring this up? Out of all the people on Earth, it had to be him!

For whatever strange reason, Thor beamed and said, "Then it wouldn't be a problem for you to accompany me to a movie later today?"

You felt confused. What did that have anything to do with you being single? Unless he was -oh God! He couldn't have possibly been asking you on a date, could he? No no, of course not.

"I-" you hesitated then remembered the weather outside and said, "I'd love to, Thor. Really I would. But I can't. I have uh, stuff to do. With Tony. Stuff involving Tony, yeah. So I'm booked, sorry."

Thor looked disappointed for a minute (and why would he? It was you! He couldn't have possibly regretted not hanging out with **you** of all people!) then put on a smile again. "Ah, not to worry, Y/n! Perhaps some other time."

"Yeah, sure," you said. As you stopped in front of the elevator you turned to Thor and told him, "See you at lunch in a few." You then stepped inside. The sight of Thor's retreating back struck something inside of you just before the elevator doors closed. You hated being such a chicken. But you couldn't go out in that weather; you'd have to wear short sleeves and pants. Or skirts, god forbid skirts. That was a no no. And besides, Thor probably meant for it to be a casual outing, not a date. You'd probably still have tortured yourself with pretending it was a date, despite that, and you really didn't hate yourself _that_ much. Everything had a limit, even your self hatred.

Still flustered from your encounter with Thor, you went down to the kitchen. The rest of the guys were still eating, although they were almost finished but you didn't feel like eating anymore. The sight of the full plates and everyone eating with gusto made you sick. They were all so fit and healthy, they could eat a mountain of burgers and still look like fucking models. You, on the other hand, not so much. _'Beautiful, my ass. Yeah right.'_

Steve looked up from his plate and piped up, "Aren't you eating, Y/n?" You gulped and lied through your teeth, "I'm not really hungry, Steve. I think I'll go back to my room and read a book. Tony, tell JARVIS to fetch me if you need help with anything." You left the kitchen before anyone could protest, eager to retreat back to your room. You could feel a lump forming in your chest and your mood shifting quickly. You needed to be alone.

By the time you lifted your head to look out of the window, the sky had darkened considerably. You had immersed yourself so much in the book you had been reading you didn't even notice the hours flying by. Your stomach grumbled loudly and with a groan you lifted yourself off the bed and headed for the kitchen.

The kitchen was thankfully empty when you entered. JARVIS turned on the lights for you when you walked in and you thanked him. "You're welcome, miss Y/l/n. Sir is down at his workshop if you wish to pay him a visit afterwards." The AI supplied all on his own. He knew you would seek Tony out; he was too smart for his own good.

You didn't reply after JARVIS' input, only made yourself a quick sandwich and went down to Tony's workshop. When you entered he wasn't doing anything special, no longer working on the suit. He seemed to be fooling around with Dum-E and rocking to his music, which made a smile instantly appear on your face. Tony was a dork and loved his little robots no matter what he said. He was lucky you weren't the blackmailing type because dear God, did you have material.

"Sup, Tones."

Tony startled and turned back to look at you. His eyes brightened. "Y/n/n! I was wondering when you would come down. I have to admit, it took you longer than I had expected."

A guilty feeling washed over you. "I got distracted reading. Sorry," you apologized. Stepping forward, you continued, "So you've been waiting for me all this time?"

"Uh huh," Tony said. Great, more guilt. "You could've gone to your room to get some sleep, you know. Or could've taken Steve out for a date or something. I don't know, I'm not into couple-y stuff," you mumbled.

Tony looked you in the eye with a deadpan expression. "Are you, Y/n, sister of mine and platonic soulmate for God knows how many years, implying sleep or taking Steve out two days in a row are more important than you?"

You turned sheepish but didn't answer. The floor was suspiciously interesting all of a sudden.

Tony stepped up towards you and lifted your head up gently. He looked into your eyes for a moment and then sighed. "You don't actually believe that, do you?" The guilt on your face was answer enough.

Tony sighed again softly. "Look at me, Y/n. I don't know what the hell happened with Hammer boy - and I know it was him because you were fine before you went to fetch him!" he supplied before you could protest. "But never **ever** think you can't come to me." Tony let go of your face and tugged you to the couch then settled next to you.

"I know things are pretty fucked up in that head of yours. Been there, done that. However, if there are two people in my life I have never doubted, those are you and Rhodey. I think after all this time it should be the same for you as well."

You bit down on your lower lip and chewed slowly. "You're right. Sorry, Tony. You know you're my whole world."

Tony grinned and took your hand in his. "Of course I am, have you met me?" You laughed with him. God, you loved Tony.

"Now tell me, what happened? Did he say anything? Should I put on the suit and pay him a visit?" Tony said, bumping your shoulder with his.

You laughed but said, "No, that won't be necessary. I think Thor... He.."

"He what?"

You groaned in frustration and buried your head in your hands. "I think he asked me out." you mumbled.

"What?! But that's great! When is the date?" When you didn't reply, Tony added, "You accepted, right?" More silence. "Oh my God, Y/n! I'm seriously gonna beat your ass."

You lifted your head up. "I know, Tony!!" you whined. "I'm an idiot, okay? I know that."

"Why did you reject him?"

"Aside from the fact that I couldn't believe he was **really** asking me out, you mean?" You sighed. "If I had accepted I would've had to go out into that weather."

Your answer seemed to confuse Tony. "Yes, and?"

"I can't! I'd have to dress in shorts or t-shirts, or even skirts! I have too much fat to dress like that in public, _on a date_. Besides, he would've realized he made a mistake in 0.1 seconds," you mumbled.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" Was Tony's reply. He didn't let you say anything else. "Do you think he would care about that? Hell, do you think he hasn't, I don't know, noticed you're not exactly a Victoria's Secret model? Come fucking on, Y/n!" Tony threw his hands up in the air.

"Yes, you're not thin. Yes, you're fat. But you know what you also are? Completely fucking beautiful. You're adorable. You're funny. You're kind. You're sweet. You're smart. You're nerdy and you have such a big heart sometimes it seems like you're competing with Steve for _Greatest Sap_ award!"

You couldn't help yourself. You started crying and circled your arms around Tony, burying your face in the crook of his neck. Tony rubbed soothing circles on your back then spoke up again.

"I know how you feel and I know what's going on through your head. Do you think I wasn't the same with Steve? You should know how long it took me to lift the middle finger to my own doubts and go for it. Don't torture yourself like I did."

You pulled away and nodded at Tony, feeling a bit braver.

"And don't you think Hammer boy hasn't had his heart crushed just a little tiny bit by your rejection? Ask him out, go on that date."

You nodded again and wiped your tears away. "Yes, okay. I'll do that." You got up and headed for the door, determined to ask a particular Asgardian prince out.

"Oh and Y/n?" Tony said before you left. You turned around. "Maybe you'll want to wash your face and brush your hair before you do that." He suggested with a smirk. You blushed and scurried away.

After you tamed your hair a bit and looked less like you'd been crying, you found yourself faced with Thor's door. Taking a deep breath you knocked. The door opened immediately and Thor's face lit up just a bit, like he'd been expecting you.

"Y/n!" Thor said.

"Thor, hey. Can I come in? I wanna talk."

Thor opened the door to let you in and stepped aside. "Of course, come in!"

You looked around at his room in anxiety, not really taking any detail in. You sat down on his bed when Thor motioned for you to and took another breath before looking at him. _'Here goes nothing.'_

"First off, I wanna apologize for turning down your invite for a date."

"It's alright, Y/n. I can understand if you're not interested." Thor dismissed all gentleman-like but it wasn't fair. It wasn't his fault.

"No, it's not. I was nervous and insecure so I turned you down to shield myself. It wasn't fair of me." You sighed and rubbed your forehead to relieve the stress lines. "There's something more. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to watch that movie after all. We can go now if the cinema is still open and you want to, or tomorrow. Any time you want. If you still do, that is. If not, I can understand perfectly."

Thor beamed. "Of course! I'd love to." He was delighted for a moment before his brow furrowed. "But wait. Why were you anxious and insecure?"

 _'Here it comes,'_ you thought.

"I've.. had a crush on you for a while. And well, I've grown up being shamed for the fact that I'm fat. Everything always revolves around my weight, no matter how 'pretty' people say I am, it can always be improved if I just 'lost a little weight'. It's not only that, but that's something I don't want to delve in right now." You were fidgeting and looking anywhere else but in Thor's eyes.

"Bottom line is, I'm insecure as hell and kinda been crushing on you like really hard for so long that when you suddenly asked me to go out in a way that sounded an awful lot like asking me on a date, I panicked and refused. I didn't wanna disappoint you with my fat when we went out and I had to wear summer clothes."

You exhaled in relief after your monologue then chanced a peek at Thor's face. He looked confused and pained at the same time.

"But Y/n, you're gorgeous! I love your body! And it's not even about that right now. It's not your body that makes my heart skip beats, or my hands get clammy with sweat whenever I want to speak with you. It's not your body putting a huge smile on my face or squeezing my heart when you're not around or don't pay attention to me. It's you, Y/n. As a whole."

Thor took your hand in his and looked you in the eyes with an earnest look on his face. " _You_ made me fall in love, not your body."

You gasped loudly but your breath caught in your throat when Thor leaned in towards you. "May I?" You nodded fiercely, "Hell yes." You would have time to be embarrassed by your eagerness later. Now it was time for kissing.

For a first kiss, it was pretty darn amazing. You had dreamt about what your first kiss would be like ever since you knew what romance was, but from what other people had told you, you had expected something less dream-like and more sloppy, unsure, clumsy. But no, what you lacked in experience you made up for in eagerness to learn. And Thor was definitely a great and enthusiastic teacher.

After you pulled apart from each other, you leaned your head on Thor's shoulder with a big, stupid grin on your face. "Your body's a pretty amazing bonus though," Thor piped up which made you brake out into a hysterical fit of giggles.

"You're a dork," you said affectionately.

"But I'm your dork. Right?" Thor said with a cheeky grin. "Yeah, you are," you replied.

You distinctly heard a thump right outside Thor's room and what sounded like Clint and Tony's voices talking excitedly. You shook your head. Those idiots.

**Author's Note:**

> Here it goes! I hope you enjoyed, and feel free to drop in the comment section for feedback. Or just to fangirl about Stony or Thor or how freaking adorable you are in this fic (and in real life because c'mon, I know you all are). I am more than ready to gush over any of these.


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